MAY 2009: PLAYMEAT OF THE MONTH

This month, it looked as if the title of Playmeat of the Month was only going one way, to Susan Boyle. The woman has the voice of an angel, the body of a fat lad, and the face of a haemorrhoid-ridden pig's arse. Then she went mental, blew it, cracked up, fucked up and lost the final of Britain's Got Freaks.

Her fragile mental state was only eclipsed by Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, who declared, "In my eyes and in Scotland's eyes, she's a winner". That's good coming from the representative of a country that's never won fuck all worth talking about. So she won ... by losing. Right, and remind me again, that's not a skirt you blokes wear, is it?

Back to the point. Next up on the shortlist was Jordan with her over-inflated funbags. Now Peter has wiped up and fucked off, there's a spare furrow that needs a good ploughing. (Sorry, I've been watching reruns of Heartbeat). Mind you, the idea of looking up from her valley of hidden pleasures to see Harvey grinning back at you is enough to dampen any chap's ardor.

For a moment, just a fleeting moment, I considered the face of Burmese democracy, Aung San Suu Kyi, but let's face it; she's fucked herself! For a few moments, I thought I was going to have to delve into the sack of elusive dreams, but no! Thankfully, along came a brace of vixens to lighten up a pretty dark month!

Tory MP Julie Kirkbride and Labour MP Margaret Moran have both decided to call it day after their expenses claims were put under scrutiny in the British Press. Now, as individuals, the two ladies might not seem like worthy winners, but together, in a pit filled with cold custard, wearing nothing but the skimpiest of bikinis, you have what we call a Carnival of Flesh! Let's face it, they both need new careers, so why not something serving the public good?

Let's face, if they did end up wrestling, Alex Salmond could declare them both winners, and for once, the ugly skirt-wearing retard would be right!

APRIL 2009: PLAYMEAT OF THE MONTH

As we see April 2009 slip into the dustbin, I figured it was time to look back over the past month and see who qualifies to be the April 2009 Playmeat of the Month. Now, I must make it clear that I'm looking for a fine and impressive example of the female form here, not some vaccuous skin-and-bone bimbo with over-inflated breasticles and a deeply held belief in poodles saving the world. No indeed, the position of Playmeat of the Month demands not only beauty, but also some acceptable level of humanity, decency and intelligence (plus the ability to be as dirty as a gypsy's armpit does help in the selection).

At first I thought about Madonna. Say what you will, the old bird still has a frame worth polishing, but her insistence on trying to buy up the poor and needy from third world countries isn't what you really want from a Playmeat of the Month. Now, Britney has added extra tour dates, which pushes her to the fore, but she's lost the appeal she had as a shaven-headed drunken drug-fuelled car crash. The new fangled Britney just doesn't cut the mustard. Then there's Bea Arthur. The 86 year old actress passed away (she was the one in the Golden Girls with a voice like a blunt chainsaw going through a rusty steel plate), but she missed the posthumous honour as I'd no doubt be accused of promoting necrophilia (okay, if I was going to indulge in a bit of corpse-love, Bea Arthur isn't on my list, or even the substitute's bench).

I briefly considered UK Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. She's not a bad looking old bus, and she knews her way around an Expenses form, but her recent troubles have led to her screwing her face up in a stressed and rather unattractive way. That, coupled with the idea of her old chap having one off the wrist at the taxpayer's expense is enough to turn you off altogether.

I also briefly considered aging actress Joanna Lumley. Even in her later years, she still possesses something of that sparkle she exhibited when Purdey in the New Avengers. However, having witnessed her jumping up and down in celebration having secured a reprieve for the Ghurkas (whose cause she was championing), I changed my mind. Don't get me wrong, I too support the Ghurkas, but there's a time and a place for an aging woman to be jumping about with her fist in the air.

When it comes down to it, there was only ever going to be one winner; the Baroness! This year is the 50 year anniversary of her first taking a seat in Parliament, and I'm sure every red-blooded male (and a fair few lesbians too) will agree when I say what a glorious seat it was! Although the actual anniversary is in October, the Thatch has been celebrated by television and radio programmes this month as the media builds up to the celebration of  the best thing that ever happened to Britain since we discovered that yeast, hops and barley made a thing called Beer!

Back to the Thatch. Like a Stilton, she got better with age. Lucky old Denis, that's all I can say. I mean, imagine rattling those bones on a regular basis. No wonder he was permanently pissed, trying to kill the hours until he could once again be in the grasp of the Iron Lady.

Margaret Hilda Thatcher, you are still sizzling HOT!