Nuclear Power? Yes Please!

So, the earth is facing an energy crisis, and we're all supposed to spend what few pennies we have left after the taxman has raped us putting up our own windmills, solar panels and other shit systems to try and create enough energy to power a really dim light bulb for about ten seconds. For me, that's a worthwhile way of wasting a few thousand pounds (that's about a million dollars, for those from over the pond).

Now, forgive me if I dip into the past here, but I seem to remember when our tax money went into the research and development of nuclear power. That's right; we've already found a solution and paid for it. Let's get using it. It's low cost because all the R&D has already been done, it's clean, effective and accessible immediately. We'd create a host of jobs building new power stations, and the only downside is that we'd see a few camps spring up manned by unwashed hippy twats with no consideration for the bigger picture.

So, what's holding us back? Well, every time someone mentions the obvious, a Pinko appears mouthing the word 'Chernobyl'. For fuck's sake, that was one incident, and it was down to dodgy Polish builders shipped in to the Ukraine to do the job on the cheap.

Planes crash regularly, but we don't stop flying. People died in the Moorgate Tube Disaster but we don't ban underground railways. Millions died in WW2 but we don't ban right wing thickos or left win Pinkos. Canvey Island and Buncefield didn't make us stop using gas and petrol.

Let's not be cry-babies! Fuck the hippies, hit the switch and turn on to a nuclear future.

Shoot the Bitch

So, 72 year old Kathryn Winkfein is driving home from the shops in Austin, Texas, and the police pull her battered pick-up truck over for speeding. Was she speeding? Of course she was! Did she accept it with good grace, collect her ticket and get on her way? Of course she didn't. Why? Because she's a mentalist, that's why.

Firstly, the great grandmother (I'm not sure why the reports all include the fact that both she and her kin are into breeding) refuses to accept the ticket. Then she tries to push her 4 foot high wrinkled body passed that of a fat fuck of a cop.

He pushes her away, probably because she smells of piss.

She screams like a fucking banshee.

He points at his Taser stun-gun.

Now, you would presume that even the dumbest of dumb hicks might give up at this point, but no, Wankfiend dares him to shoot her with it. She jeers and screams and dares the fat fuck to shoot her. So he does. As she drops to the fall screaming, you can't help but feel that justice has been done.

It's a shame the fat fucker didn't have a shotgun.

Having a Wank

Now, we've all has a wank at some time or other. Some of you will have had one today, or maybe you've had two today. Maybe you don't wank on Mondays, having gone at yourself like a dog with ticks over the weekend. The point here is that wanking is a pretty common trait amongst humans (and monkeys).

David Carradine, best known for his role as Grasshopper in Kung Fu, didn't wank. Obviously, David Carradine did wank (quite a lot), but Grasshopper - being a paragon of self discipline - didn't wank.

David Carradine was found dead a few days ago, in the closet of his hotel room. He had removed the cord used to close the curtains, and had tied one end around his neck, looped it through the hanging rail, and tied the other end to his testicles. He was attempting auto-erotic asphyxiation whilst jollying himself off. He died as a result of that wank.

Like Michael Hutchence, David Carradine died alone, having a wank. When the news was released, we all sniggered at his dirty last few moments on earth.

However, my point is this. Why die alone in a closet of a hotel room trying to wank yourself silly, when that hotel is located in Bangkok? For fuck's sake, he could have got anyone to toss him off, and still had enough spare change for a curry and few cold beers.

As the wise old master used to say: "When in Thailand, get someone else to knock the top off it!"

Still Life

The other day, I was approached by an elderly gentleman selling water purifiers. The purifier, he explained, had numerous benefits, and was an essential part of modern life. It was as simple to use as a kettle, it was freestanding, and albeit a fairly bulky item, it was portable. Best of all, it cost a mere £200. Naturally, I told him to fuck off.

He didn't. Instead, he explained how the purifier worked. He added that I could also use the purifier to 'process' essential oils. He talked about 'processing' essential oils, 'processing' water, and even 'processing' biofuels. Now, I'm no scientist, but I thought the best was of processing biofuels was via distillation. I suggested this, and he agreed. He hadn't added that the process the purifier used was distillation.

Essentially, the purified water was distilled water, which would remove impurities. The old was right. Also, by distilling water with lavender flowers, I could indeed create a rich and deeply scented oil. As the man left with my £200, he reminded me to read the declaration enclosed in the box. He added if I felt I could not comply with the declaration, I should return the purifier and he'd give me a full refund.

Now, having read the declaration, I found I could comply with it. However, I also figured that many people out there need some advice when it comes to water purifiers. Here's my guide.

1: When you buy the water purifier, don't spend five days adding potato skins, sugar yeast and water to a five gallon container.

2: After five days, don't place 4 litres of the resultant fluid in the purifier.

3: If you do accidentally complete stages 1 and 2, both of which are perfectly legal, don't switch the purifier on, or you will be breaking the law.

You see, some people might find the idea of making 50 proof alcochol at around 50 pence a bottle funny, but it's not. Play the game, and spend £12 on a bottle, allowing the Government to take 90 per cent tax.

Instead, drink purified water and sniff lavender oil. It's well worth the investment.

War; What Is It Good For?

Say it again! Okay, let's face facts. The UK is in recession, we have rising unemployment, industry is grinding to a halt and all politicans are thieving cunts. What do we a need? A bloody good war, that's what. So, who do we fight?

First off, we need a country that can't respond with long range tactical nuclear weapons, so that rules out Russia. Yes, I know other countries claim to have the capability, but only one has the cash to ensure that they are properly maintained, so forget the rest of the sabre-rattlers.

Next, the country should have resources that we can plunder. That rules out Scotchland, Wales and the USA.

Next, the locals should be well known as a bunch of lily-livered cowards that couldn't put up a fight if they were all alone. Obviously, that rules out any of the South Americans.

We also need a country that doesn't have many ex-pats living as UK residents, because we don't want terror on the streets. That rules out the Middle East and Africa.

Also, we want to enjoy noodles through the war, so that eliminates Asia.

Let's face it folks, we all know who we need to fight. The snail-eating poncey Jean-Paul dance-master 'j'taime' fops across the channel.

Let's make Britain Great again.

Let's have a war with the French!

MAY 2009: PLAYMEAT OF THE MONTH

This month, it looked as if the title of Playmeat of the Month was only going one way, to Susan Boyle. The woman has the voice of an angel, the body of a fat lad, and the face of a haemorrhoid-ridden pig's arse. Then she went mental, blew it, cracked up, fucked up and lost the final of Britain's Got Freaks.

Her fragile mental state was only eclipsed by Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, who declared, "In my eyes and in Scotland's eyes, she's a winner". That's good coming from the representative of a country that's never won fuck all worth talking about. So she won ... by losing. Right, and remind me again, that's not a skirt you blokes wear, is it?

Back to the point. Next up on the shortlist was Jordan with her over-inflated funbags. Now Peter has wiped up and fucked off, there's a spare furrow that needs a good ploughing. (Sorry, I've been watching reruns of Heartbeat). Mind you, the idea of looking up from her valley of hidden pleasures to see Harvey grinning back at you is enough to dampen any chap's ardor.

For a moment, just a fleeting moment, I considered the face of Burmese democracy, Aung San Suu Kyi, but let's face it; she's fucked herself! For a few moments, I thought I was going to have to delve into the sack of elusive dreams, but no! Thankfully, along came a brace of vixens to lighten up a pretty dark month!

Tory MP Julie Kirkbride and Labour MP Margaret Moran have both decided to call it day after their expenses claims were put under scrutiny in the British Press. Now, as individuals, the two ladies might not seem like worthy winners, but together, in a pit filled with cold custard, wearing nothing but the skimpiest of bikinis, you have what we call a Carnival of Flesh! Let's face it, they both need new careers, so why not something serving the public good?

Let's face, if they did end up wrestling, Alex Salmond could declare them both winners, and for once, the ugly skirt-wearing retard would be right!

Playmeat Americano (For Sarcastic Bastard)

I recently received the following comment from Sarcastic Bastard, whose blog I read. She made the following comment.

Vincent, I adore you, but sometimes you talk about things way over my dumb American noggin. Perhaps you should implement a fifth-grade level American version of your posts with caption-style notes for the intellectually challenged. I do believe watching too much reality TV has rotted my brains. Also, Americans, like Methodists (SB is both--double handicapped!), have the attention spans of fruit flies. Could you make the entries simpler and a little shorter, too? Many thanks.

Cheerio. Good day. Hip hip. All that. Best regards, SB

It was too nice of a request for me to ignore, so for all the Americans, the Methodists, and especially for the American Methodists, here's Playmeat Americano. The titles link to the full versions, just in case you're German and want to know what time the train is coming. (SB, that's a joke about how the murdering fuckers acted during the War).

Note: SB is getting divorced. If you are an American with a very large penis, can wipe your arse (that's ass to you, but you're wrong, Mr Yankee Doodle) clean enough to not leave skidmarks on her new bed sheets, and have lots of money, please email her for dirty sex. Her email is on her blog. By the way, she's just a touch mental!

A Hero for Our Times

In China, a man hit by the failure of his company decided to kill himself. He climbed up a bridge and threatened to jump. This caused a big traffic jam. A passing retired Army man offered to try and talk him down, but the police said he couldn't. The retired man then sneaked past the police and pretended to befriend the man who was threatening to jump. He made the man shake his hand, and then pushed him off the bridge. It turned out that the old man was angry at the traffic jam.

A 'bedwetter' is someone who cries because they're broke.

China is a place where everyone has a bicycle, and funny eyes (unless you are Chinese, in which case the eyes are just right).

Vincent likes the old man.

Beattie Got It Wrong

Alec Beatiie of Devolving stated in his blog that Nick Griffin was an evil man. I pointed out that at the end of the BNP election broadcast on television (a big box that holds another version of the world), there was a more evil man than Griffin.

There is a voiceover part at the end of the broadcast, and you can hear the speaker pause and slurp spittle. I pretended that it was facist cunt Griffin's semen.

Vincent doesn't like semen in the mouth.

An Open Letter to Willie Walsh

British Airways are a bunch of cunts.

Vincent doesn't like British Airways.

Put The Cat Food Back, You Bitch

Old people get arrested for shoplifting, even if they 'forget' to pay for something. Supermarkets say it's their policy to always prosecute, even if the elderly person has lost their marbles.

Politican's fiddle their expenses, but don't get arrested. Recently, one stated he 'forgot' he had paid off his mortgage. Another 'forgot' he didn't have a mortgage. If the UK had the same policy as supermarkets, the cheating bastards should be arrested.

Vincent hates supermarkets, but likes the fat girl at Checkout 3 because she does bum stuff for a bottle of cider.

Vely Tight Pissfraps

A sex theme park in China has been closed down.

Vincent is unhappy.