A Hero for Our Times

If I had a fucking crown, I put it in a bag, get in my car, drive it to China, head south and upon arriving in Guangdong province, I would search out a real living hero and place the bejewelled item on his head; the noble head of a man who is undoubtedly the greatest living human being on earth. He is greater than any other sack of flesh sucking in air. Indeed, he is probably greater than many sacks of flesh that once sucked in air but don't anymore (I'm looking at you, Ghandi, you bald twat). Yes, I am referring to the one and only Lai Jiansheng!

The 66 year old retired army man doesn't fuck about. He knows how to deal with modern life's bedwetters. He just goes in, does the fucking job, and pisses off home on his bicycle for a portion of dog with special flied lice. Top man!

When bedwetting stress-merchant Chen Fuchao realised his construction business had failed and he was in debt, he climbed to the top of a bridge and threatened to throw himself off. The police arrived, and tried to get him to come down.

Police: Come down, you sirry cunt.

Fuchao: Cannot. I am poor and am wollied about foocha.

Police: Come down now, or you go to plison, you prank.

Fuchao: I am too wollied to come down.

Now, this utter fucking charade carried on somewhat, and the traffic that had been stopped from crossing the bridge caused a major snarl up. People were left high and dry in the Guangdong province. Now, I have been to the Guangdong province, and to be honest chucking yourself to your death might be a bit of a wheeze there, but traffic delays are one thing the Chinese hate. And Americans, obviously. Traffic and Americans ... and the Vietnamese, naturally. And pasta.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Lai Jiansheng approached the police and, having put his shopping bags down, offered to go and talk the bedwetter down.

I suppose it went like this.

Lai Jiansheng: Herro. You want me to tawk the bedwetter down?

Police: Piss off home, and take your shopping too, you plickhead.

Lai Jiansheng: Fuck you then.

However, Lai Jiansheng is a man of action. Did he just get on his bike? Did he fuck as like. He used his Chinese inscrutability and evaded the police, slipped through the cordon and scaled the bridge. Once up there he approached Chen Fuchao, sat next to him and they talked.

Lai Jiansheng: What are you doing. The fucking tlaffic is borrocksed.

Chen Fuchao: I am wollied about financial lisks. I am leady to jump.

Lai Jiansheng: Don't be a platt. Come home with me and I give you money.

Chen Fuchao: Okay, thank you my fliend.

Lai Jiansheng: It's a deal. Shake?

Lai Jiansheng offered his hand to seal the deal. Chen Fuchao accepted it. At this point, our hero, Lai Jiansheng, took control and chucked the bedwetting bastard off the bridge!

His reason? The man's "selfish activity" had caused five hours of gridlock.

Lai Jiansheng, I fucking salute you.