Buzz Off, You Lazy Bastards!

The news nowadays can often be dull and predictable. For example, the recent earth-shattering news that Stephen Hawking is unwell was about as shocking as waking up in the morning and finding out that you still have a head. Here's a bloke who sits motionless in a wheelchair-come-trolley and talks through a machine. He's not well? No shit, Sherlock!

What  about Susan Boyle? We get some old bint who sings on a talent show, and the world's media goes into a tailspin as to whether she should shave off her beard. Now, for me, the woman can sing, but it's not like she's found a cure for cancer. She didn't earn that voice; she was born with it. Her singing is a bit like her beard; fate delivered it to her. She should learn from Zhao Liang, a Chinese bloke measuring over 8 feet in height. When asked if he was excited at being the world's tallest man, he seemed puzzled, explaining that you can't control how tall you grow.

However, the story that we should be looking at is the plight of the bumble bee. Well, the honey bee really, but the joke's crap if you don't say bumble. The British Government has spent £10 million to investigate the honey bee's status, and has found that their population is 15 per cent down. Now a further £2 million is to be spent finding out why. Maybe it's because environments that support honey bees are 15 per cent down down, due to pathetic planning regulation?

Now, you might laugh at this, until you realise that 90 per cent of flowering crops we rely on for food are pollenated by honey bees. If these creatures are extinct in a decade, as experts predict, what then? I'll tell you what ... we can turn to the unemployed.

The world is in crisis, we're facing meltdown. Unemployment is set to rise, and honey bees are set to become extinct. We need to pollenate flowering crops. Here's what we do. We'll drive the lazy poncing unemployed from their beds, give them a small paintbrush, and send them to the fields. Job done, and after a hard day's work, they won't have the energy to stay up all night drinking Special Brew and making ugly babies.

Thank you, honey bees; you died for our needs!