Pearls Before Swine

Ladies and Gentlemen, we stand on the brink of disaster, we stare into the gaping jaws of death, we watch the last glimmer of light in the eyes of humanity fade; oblivion beckons as the human race prepares to shuffle off this mortal coil on account of pig sickness. Yes indeed, our trottered friends will have the last laugh as the populations of entire continents fall foul to swine flu. It's all over, the end is nigh, and I wish I hadn't spent last weekend out in the fields, licking pigs.

It's a crying shame, really; I'd always hoped that the human race would fall over due to some great technological marvel, like the atom bomb. A blinding flash, a searing wall of heat, and thirty years watching your flesh drop off your bones whilst you admired the genius that designed such a devastating weapon. Alternatively, we could have populated the Moon, or even Mars, only to discover that those planets (yes, I am aware that the Moon isn't a planet) were more fucked up than Earth. We could cough our way to the grave wondering at the dedication of those that built space buses to take us into space and to our eventual doom.

Sadly, the great technology-inspired death isn't what the human race can expect. Instead, it seems that a common cold, caught via some pork action, will be the demise we all least expected. Here we were, debating whether the polar ice caps would melt, the seas dry up, the sun go out, or any one of a million other bullshit fates that the Greenies said would assault the planet we call home. All that recycling, all that driving around in hybrid cars, all that cycling, and for what? For pig flu, my friends. So as ye sow...

Now, I don't mind about a spot of pig flu. I deserve it. I won't recycle, I won't consider alternative energy and I'm buggered if I'm walking anywhere. I'm not going to allow the works of Rudolf Diesel, the Wright Brothers, Frank Whittle, Nickolaus August Otto or J Robert Oppenheimer be pushed into the dustbin of history by a bunch of ecologically unsound lunatics. No, we'll never know if global warming is fact or fantasy, because we're all going to die of pig sickness.

I'll go and lick that sow now, once I've burned these old tyres!