Still Life

The other day, I was approached by an elderly gentleman selling water purifiers. The purifier, he explained, had numerous benefits, and was an essential part of modern life. It was as simple to use as a kettle, it was freestanding, and albeit a fairly bulky item, it was portable. Best of all, it cost a mere £200. Naturally, I told him to fuck off.

He didn't. Instead, he explained how the purifier worked. He added that I could also use the purifier to 'process' essential oils. He talked about 'processing' essential oils, 'processing' water, and even 'processing' biofuels. Now, I'm no scientist, but I thought the best was of processing biofuels was via distillation. I suggested this, and he agreed. He hadn't added that the process the purifier used was distillation.

Essentially, the purified water was distilled water, which would remove impurities. The old was right. Also, by distilling water with lavender flowers, I could indeed create a rich and deeply scented oil. As the man left with my £200, he reminded me to read the declaration enclosed in the box. He added if I felt I could not comply with the declaration, I should return the purifier and he'd give me a full refund.

Now, having read the declaration, I found I could comply with it. However, I also figured that many people out there need some advice when it comes to water purifiers. Here's my guide.

1: When you buy the water purifier, don't spend five days adding potato skins, sugar yeast and water to a five gallon container.

2: After five days, don't place 4 litres of the resultant fluid in the purifier.

3: If you do accidentally complete stages 1 and 2, both of which are perfectly legal, don't switch the purifier on, or you will be breaking the law.

You see, some people might find the idea of making 50 proof alcochol at around 50 pence a bottle funny, but it's not. Play the game, and spend £12 on a bottle, allowing the Government to take 90 per cent tax.

Instead, drink purified water and sniff lavender oil. It's well worth the investment.