Don't Undersell Your Dreams

When it comes to advertising, all too often we see claims that simply can't be substantiated. A revolution in washing-up liquid? Really? Does it wear a sombrero and have a fuck-off handle-bar moustache? Does it set the people free and fight oppression? Does it take to the hills and wait its time, until pouncing on the imperialists and lifting the yoke of tyranny? Does it fuck; it's just got some new-fangled unpronounceable herb added to it that doesn't make your plates cleaner. It's no more a revolution than Gary Glitter is a good choice of baby-sitter.

That said, some manufacturers undersell their developments. One such case is Andrex, the manufacturer of fine toilet tissue. I should know, because I treat my arse to it on a regular basis. Once I diversified into Kitten Soft, but quite frankly, it was garbage.

Anyway, back to Andrex. For many years, their symbol has been a labrador puppy, although apart from the obvious schoolboy joke, I still fail to see why. Their latest thing is to have the shape of a puppy (it looks a bit like a seated baby elephant with no trunk, but they tell us it's a puppy) embossed on the paper. How do they sell this? Simple; they write "Puppies on a roll" on the bag.

Marketing genius? Not at all; they've massively underrated this important development in toilet tissue design. What the "Puppies on a roll" slogan fails to mention is that by embossing the design, there are no inks or chemicals being rubbed up your crack. Also, embossing involves the Puppy shape being compressed onto the tissue. Because of the loose fibrous construction of tissue, this actually increases the tensile strength. In other words, you are far less likely to get a finger-nail of shit because there's little chance of your digit going through the paper and up your poop-tube.

Finally, and this bit is fucking genius, the embossing causes differing textures in the paper, as well as a bevelled edge effect on the surface. This allows it to get a good purchase on your shit, preventing you from spreading fecal matter up your lower back area if you overshoot due to excessive sludginess.

When you read "Puppies on a roll", simply think "A cleaner hole, an end to stink-finger and the total elimination of an embarrassing stripe of shit on your lower back".

As summer approaches, this is vital for the ladies who like to dress in low-cut hipster trousers and cropped tops. While we all enjoy a flash of midriff, looking back to see a smear of shit up the spine can be off-putting.

Andrex, we salute you!