Ja, Ja, Wunderbar! The BNP and Me Get Jiggy

Many years ago, when the National Front were the headlining act in British Facism, I was on the underground (for our overseas chums, that's a train that goes underground in London, not a bunch of French twats trying to dispel the stigma of shitting bricks when they saw a Mercedes), and opposite me sat a skinhead. He wore a t-shirt that bore the slogan 'Ain't no black in the Union Jack'. As I rose to get off at Camden Town, so did he. We stood at the door together, waiting for the train to stop.

I nodded at his t-shirt and said, 'Nice shirt'.

He grunted.

I then added, 'Shame it's factually incorrect.'

He looked puzzled until I clarified things. 'Unless you actually forget the black bits ... in the Union Jack, that is'.

As I walked away I was amazed that he simply stood silently, mouth open, with a look on his face that was reminiscent of a puppy caught pooping on the rug. He was confused, and I often laughed thinking about how long it might have taken for him to realise the truth.

The thing that reminded me of this was the amount of shit post I received the other day, including a number of flyers for the forthcoming Local and EU elections. Again, for those from overseas and the stupid amongst us, let me explain. In the UK we have a general election that votes for the Government. They lie, steal our votes and then blow all our money on home furnishings, before blaming previous Governments for the mess. In Local elections, the councillors lie, steal our votes and then blow all our money on a leisure centre with the swimming pool fitted upside down, before blaming previous councils for not writing 'This Way Up' at the top of the plans. In the EU elections, they lie, steal our votes, and then give all our money to a man named Heinrick.

To cut a long story short, amongst the junk mail was a flyer from the BNP. This intrigued me, because nowhere did it state 'We are a bunch of ignorant fuckwits'. Indeed, it actually painted a fairly innocuous picture of their racist homophobic facist cunthookery.

It bore the image of a Spitfire (for Americans, it's the plane that won WW2 before you lot strolled in and claimed a hollow and unsubstantiated victory), and stated that the party was about putting British people first. They obviously missed the trick of excluding the Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish; perhaps if they were a different colour, eh? They also point out that 'it's not racist to oppose mass immigration and political correctness - it's common sense'.

There was a picture of a racist-fuck doctor and a racist-fuck old couple, all thinking racist thoughts, with quotes that explained that they weren't racist (or black, Asian or Jewish). Apparently, the leaflet concludes, we (who the fuck are 'we', are they including me in their shit-heap?) have earned the right. How have we earned it? Simple; Trafalgar, the Somme, Dunkirk, D-Day, the Falklands. There you go, suck on that, Johnny Immigrant!

I then discovered that the BNP would be canvassing in the High Street, so I took a walk to see what they were selling. It had to be good; I expected Panzer tanks, leather uniforms, death's heads and swastikas; it was going to be a rally and a half. Sadly, I couldn't find the rally; it was obviously blocked from my view by the two fat cunts in BNP t-shirts (I'm sure one had curry stains on it, that tikka red and tumeric yellow) and a snide fucker in the Pringle jumper.

Now, the Nazis might have been bad neighbours, but they had style. This lot looked like the scum left over when you torch a sub-standard housing estate. I asked about the curry stain. It was denied. I asked whether he liked a good Indian, especially when it left his arse tingling. He ignored me.

So I approached the Pringle man.

'Excuse me, are you racists?'

'No, we simply support the rights of the British people.'

'Even black ones?'

'We're not a racist party; we're about common sense.'

'So you're not racist ... more funambulist?'

He nodded, and then I saw it; that puppy shitting on the rug look I'd seen all those years ago.

BNP - go to fuck, you tight rope walking cunts!